If you buy ME sushi, I will tell you a story.

7 UNHEALTHY ways to deal with your status "single"

7 UNHEALTHY ways to deal with your status "single"


I’m moderately happy with my current single status (my best friend and I are almost married anyway) but some days, I want to throw watermelons at couples in love. 

A few days ago, I had one of those days.

I sent a grumpy text message to my friend: “I’m unfollowing his account. I can’t deal.”

A guy we know is Internet famous; 3 months ago he got into a relationship and DID HE EVER. I’m convinced there are real love chemicals bouncing off their pictures. His relationship posts make "Shakespeare in Love" look mean. 

According to the post I clicked on, this guy had created a surprise “best day ever for my girlfriend” and filmed it on video. It involved puppies (I know, puppies. Enough already), flowers, gift cards and practically everything. The video went viral and it popped up on my feed along with a love struck image. (Here it is if you are curious)

“It’s sweet!” My friend said in response.
“It’s annoying,” I typed back. I was moody. I was under the influence of PMS hormones; I wanted to cuddle and my rational brain was in the hands of monsters. I didn’t feel like seeing someone else's bouncing love chemicals.

On a regular day, I would think the story was adorable and scroll onwards. Nope, I wanted to unfollow and throw watermelons at them. 

We all have these days. There are a thousand million cheesy blog posts on how to “stay blissful and single” . If, like me, you’re tired of hearing the same formulas for single bliss, feel free to make use of my (tried and tested) (FREE!) unhealthy ways to deal with your single status.  

WARNING: Level of success resulting from unhealthy coping mechanisms is slightly (VERY) subjective. Use with a measure of discretion.  

1. Fill your relationship gap with your own blog/ digital empire. 

Use your pain and dating stories to gather followers and make lots of money. You might even consider writing hilarious blog posts making fun about being single. This is a great idea. Your blog/empire doesn’t pour you wine, take off your clothes or let you sleep on their shoulder, but don’t let this get you down.

Success Rating: 7/10

2. Find a wife who lives 14,337km away from you

(Give priority to applicants who surprise you with flights on your birthday and rap like Kendrik Lamar). Call this human two to three times a week, send her jokes on instagram, frighten your ULTRA conservative parents into believing you two are gay, and spend all your money on flight tickets to see each other. 

Success Rating: 6,5/10

Evidence, as if you needed it. 

Evidence, as if you needed it. 

3. Eat a bottle of peanut butter a week

Haven’t you heard, peanut butter has healing properties? Find yourself a bottle for any emotional ailment. (South Africans, there is hope- in the health food aisle at Dischem. Thank me later). This bottle may not solve all your fears, but it will solve many of them. Shame #none.  

Success Rating: 2/10

4. Download the latest dating app

Who says Josh from Durbanville (likes hikes and has a job) isn’t your soulmate? Or Dave (plays drums and has a job) from Hout Bay? Or Greg from City Bowl… Love em or hate em, they are here to stay, plus you can arrange a date while you lie in your bed, or stand in the queue buying groceries. That’s not a bad deal. 

Success Rating: 5/10

5. Take out your emotions on your abs

Holding a plank makes you feel like you are Serena Williams and you can take on the world. Minute one, dedicate it to the guy who asked for you number and never used it. Minute two: the one who hit on you AND YOUR BEST FRIEND. Minute three: that dude who said, I’m not ready for a relationship and then dated someone else a week later. 

Success Rating: 8,5/10

6. Start a research project on Syria for a book you don’t have time to write

Spend hours reading up on the history of the conflict, every BBC article written on the topic, every CNN article Google can index and every humanitarian story of the refugees. Document parts, forget other parts and along the journey you will forget all your relationship issues. Voila!

Success Rating: 7/10

7. Go shopping when you are tired of crying

Just don’t start crying in the shopping mall, or take a credit card with you. If at all possible keep to window shopping in order to prevent making emotional decisions. If you find yourself at the point where you genuinely believe a cute new T-shirt is going to save you from all your problems- buy it, but keep the slip. 

Success Rating: 6/10

Feel free to use any of the above (FREE!) unhealthy coping mechanisms to avoid injuring people in love. Just don’t say you heard them from me. 

In case you were wondering, I had a moment of maturity and didn’t unfollow the account. Actually what happened was my cute friend came over for the day, told me “you’re a catch” and brought me tulips. 

This made me feel terrible about my drama and poor attitude it also immediately removed my bad mood. Looks like the best healthy coping mechanism might be a friend when you need one.  

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Oh you want to save Africa? That’s cute

Oh you want to save Africa? That’s cute